


The Before and The After

by Awkward_Waffle



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Anger, Angry Logic | Logan Sanders, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Apologies, Arguing, Family Feels, Flashbacks, Fluff, Gen, Guilt, I guess???, Movie Night, Panic Attacks, Post-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, Puns & Word Play, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Worth Issues, Sympathetic Sides (Sanders Sides), pancake puns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:34:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28773156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Awkward_Waffle/pseuds/Awkward_Waffle
Summary: The morning was so… so wonderfully… something.It made Virgil feel warm all over. He felt like when Patton brushed his fingers on his wrists, but more.It was so wonderful, to sit with them, listen to Patton make pancake puns, and try to suppress his grins and snickers, and Logan groaning and Roman making faces.He was feeling so… so good and full and warm and wonderful that he really couldn’t help himself. The thought of being worried was so distant, surrounded by the other Sides, and Patton’s bright smile and laughter and jokes.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton & Thomas Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil/Creativity | Roman/Logic | Logan/Morality | Patton
Comments: 22
Kudos: 52





	The Before and The After

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so, I am supposed to be working on something else, but finished this instead- which is nothing new, I can't really focus on one thing and one thing only. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy :]
> 
> Warnings: Panic attack - Anxiety - Food Mention
> 
> edit: so, i went back and reread this, and decided that maybe editing before posting is something i should do?? so i edited a bit of this. just added a few tweaks here and there.   
> also thank you so much for all the kudos and the comments, i love them all, thank you thank you, they were amazing and dhjsoeiflkc <3

**Before**

Virgil sneaked down, making sure not to step on the squeaky steps. He _had_ planned on taking away a few snacks back to his room so he wouldn’t go hungry throughout the day, but his plans had been derailed when Creativity was in the kitchen, instead of out in the Imagination, so Virgil had run back as soon as the other Side became visible, not up for listening to the Prince villainize his job.

So instead he was sneaking down at one in the morning, a time when he knew the others were all asleep.

He took as many as granola bars that fit in his hoodie pockets, and rifted through the fridge, finding a half empty bottle of water, which he filled up.

He went back to his room, slowly and silently. He was sure any second one of them would come out, his loud guilty heart giving him away with the way it was beating.

He swallowed down the panic, and a few steps away from his room, he rushed for the door, slipping in and locking it behind him, feeling slightly sick with relief.

*

**After**

There was a light nock on his door. “Virge?”

Virgil got out of bed, rubbing a hand over his face, trying to look like he wasn’t missing two nights of sleep.

The ducking out had been two days ago. The others had come and got him, and they were all fine- he knew, he knew they were fine, they were out of his room, they were okay. But all he saw when he closed his eyes was frazzled Logan, Patton crying silently and curling on himself, Roman’s hair lanky and listless, and Thomas forever changed into a thing that was-

Well.

He opened the door, and leaned against the frame trying to stay upright.

Everything seemed to tilt for a second.

“Hey, kiddo. You’re up!” Patton said, his cheer bright, but not too loud, thank goodness.

“Yup. What’s up? Is everything okay? Is something wrong? Do you need help?” He was ready to lunge out and find out what was wrong had Patton not stopped him.

By putting his hand on his wrist.

Well, putting his fingers- his fingertips brushed against Virgil’s skin. It lasted two seconds, but the surprise and warmth was enough to shut him up.

Patton smiled, shook his head slowly. “Nothing’s wrong. Just wanted to come ask you if you wanted to join us for breakfast?” His head tilted to the side, smile hopeful, and _fuck_ , Virgil would do _anything_ for him right now. Even if it was going down to breakfast. Where, presumably, the others would be.

“I… sure, Pat. I’ll be down, just… I’ll be down in a few minutes.”

Patton’s smile turned even brighter and he hopped up and down a few times, hands clasped under his chin. “Yay! I’ll see you.”

Virgil tried to muster up enough energy to smile as pleasingly as he was capable of with anxiety drumming through his veins and no sleep for a while.

Patton seemed to find it acceptable enough because he bounded away, actually _skipping_ towards the stairs.

Virgil ignored his heart stuttering and warming at the sight.

-

He spiraled a little in his room, his thoughts coming fast and harsh, but he remembered Patton’s hand clasped beneath his chin, little bounces and his bright smile, and decided he was going to go down. If only for Patton. If the other two-- well, Princey most likely, Logan sort of tolerated him-- said something, he could take it. He wouldn’t snap back- he was trying to be better, to not purposefully antagonize, and he also didn’t want to hurt Patton’s hope.

So despite his worries, and dark thoughts, and scenarios he could vividly imagine on how things could and would go wrong, he made his way downstairs.

He swallowed when the kitchen came in view. Logan pouring coffee, Roman sitting down, talking about an adventure Virgil couldn’t really focus on, and Patton flitting around, flipping pancakes, and grabbing things from the fridge.

Virgil stepped in, resisting the urge to duck his head, because he had to keep his eyes on their faces, see their emotions, make sure he didn’t accidently make them angry or upset.

Patton grinned at him, and then focused on the pancakes.

Logan nodded. “Good morning. Would you like coffee?”

Virgil licked his lips, and nodded. “Yeah, yes, thanks.”

Logan gave a small smile and poured another cup. A Nightmare Before Christmas themed mug, Virgil noticed, and he bit his lip to stop the sappiness in his heart from pouring out.

Roman also nodded, and added a smile. “Good morning, Hot Topic. Sleep well?”

Virgil snorted, and shrugged. “Wonderfully.”

There was a brief, awkward silence, where Virgil imaged digging up a hole and staying there for a century.

He cleared his throat. “Pat? Need a hand?”

Patton smiled at him, and the tension dissipated. “Ohh, could you get the juice from the fridge? And grab a four glasses from the cupboard?”

Virgil nodded, thankful to be doing something.

He brought over the cups, and then sat when Patton motioned him. He brought over a plate of stacked pancakes, and placed it in the middle. “Dig in everyone!”

The morning was so… so wonderfully… something.

It made Virgil feel warm all over. He felt like when Patton brushed his fingers on his wrists, but _more_.

It was so wonderful, to sit _with_ them, listen to Patton make pancake puns, and try to suppress his grins and snickers, while Logan groaned and Roman made faces.

He was feeling so… so good and full and warm and wonderful that he really couldn’t help himself. The thought of being worried was so distant, as he sat surrounded by the other Sides, and Patton’s bright smile and laughter and jokes.

“How does a panda make their pancakes for breakfast?” Virgil said, glad his voice didn’t shake.

The delighted smile Patton sent him when he turned just made him melt, and also he felt a bit… confident? He felt a little surer in his decision to make the joke.

“With a pan, duh.”

Patton _squealed_.

Virgil flinched at the sharp sound, but grinned at the Moral Side’s obvious enthusiasm. “That is so adorable!”

Logan blinked, tilting his head up. “I don’t understand these puns. They make no sense. How can a panda make food? It can’t have a pan.”

Patton waved a hand, looking as unimpressed as Logan. “But it’s so cute, Lo! Imagine a fluffy panda, making pancakes.”

Logan rolled his eyes, and sipped his coffee.

Roman got up, thanking Patton for ‘a wonderful feast, perfect for a Prince.’ And headed to the Imagination, trying to find something that would spark an idea.

*

**Before**

Virgil watched as Thomas wondered if he should take a break and watch a movie, or continue his work.

“Taking a break would not cause any harm,” Logic said. “Though I would advise against a movie.”

Morality bounced a bit, smiling. “Oh, we could watch Parks and Recreations!”

Virgil stopped breathing for a moment. “No, absolutely not. Thomas should continue working, because when he stops, he isn’t going to get back to it, and then the whole day will be ruined. Then the week, because you’ll be of your game.”

Thomas grimaced, running a hand through his hair. “Ah, the week won’t be ruined. And it’ll be just one episode.”

Virgil snorted. Even Logic made a cynical noise. “No, if you watch an episode, then you’ll turn it into a season, and then the whole week will be a marathon.”

Morality brightened. “Oh, that would be so fun! We should do that. We can get snacks and pillows and blankets and-”

Logic cleared his throat. “And nothing would get done.”

“And then Thomas will become poor and he’ll lose the house and he’ll have to turn to begging and live on the streets-”

The images were nerve wracking, seeing Thomas hurt and sick and hungry and sad and with nothing to his name, just because he took a break-

“Anxiety.” Logic snapped, anger tinting his tone. “None of that will happen. Thomas you can take a break.”

Virgil’s heart started pounding even faster, and he could feel the panic planning on setting in.

Thomas curled his hands, and then rubbed his face. Ran a hand through his hair. “I think I’ll just continue on my work.”

Virgil tried to relax, but the image of Thomas bedraggled and on the streets stayed in his mind. He tried to ease off of Thomas, keep his own panic for himself, instead of spreading it, and he could feel Thomas relax a bit, but that just meant he had to turn the anxiety back into himself, so he sank back into his room, unwilling to have a panic attack in front of the others. 

**After**

Patton continued on, making pancake pun after pancake pun, and then started making jokes about chocolate, and then breakfast in general, until Logan put his foot down.

“Please, just, stop.”

Weeeeell. 

Patton smiled, tapping his chin. “If you make a pun, I’ll stop for the day.”

Logan narrowed his eyes at him. “A week.”

Patton gasped. “Then you have to make a pun each day!”

Logan grimaced, and got up, putting his mug and plate in the sink. “Well, I’m going to go and start a schedule for the next week. Today is a free day, so Thomas should take relax, have some fun.”

Patton bit his lip, suddenly a bit smaller. “The whole day?”

Virgil’s anxiety also spiked. “He should do something, or he might fall behind.”

Logan eyed them both. “No need to worry, Virgil. Thomas finished all the things he needed to for last week. Today is a day for rest, after a week of hard work. He deserves this.”

Virgil bit his lip. Tried to loosen his shoulder. “He should start next week’s work now, or he might not have enough time.”

Logan straightened his tie. “I assure you, Virgil, his schedule is perfectly reasonable and achievable.” He paused. Then: “If you like, you can join me and help me plan for the week to come?”

Virgil nodded immediately, relief flooding through him. This way he could make sure everything was accounted for and Thomas wouldn’t fall behind.

Logan glanced at Patton, who seemed to be growing a bit restless. “The whole day to himself?”

Logan sighed, low and silent. “He could also spend some time with Joan in the evening.”

Virgil felt even more relaxed, now. Joan was great and wonderful. The day spent with Joan would be amazing, and the thought of the plans was already soothing him and his worries on having the day free.

Patton also brightened and nodded, sinking down to probably talk to Thomas.

Virgil piled up the other plates and put them in the sink, Logan silently adding the mugs.

“Come along, then. Sit in the Commons, and I shall go get my planner.”

Virgil nodded, and settled on the floor in front the couch. Logan came back and sat next to him, placing everything on the coffee table.

Seeing everything planned out and written down and accounted for made him feel much for relaxed, though he still had doubts. He made Logan leave a few spaces blank, not willing to let Thomas overwork himself- he could stop sleeping to finish, and then he would be sleep deprived and then nothing would be finished, and then the plan would be ruined- and added a few other ideas- hanging out with Joan and Thomas’s other friends.

“He hasn’t been hanging out with them much, they could think Thomas doesn’t care.”

Logan pursed his lips. “Or they could think Thomas has a life he needs to live.”

Virgil wrapped his hands around his knees. “We don’t want them to think we don’t want to be friends anymore. Hanging out with them would be nice.”

Logan stared at him for a long moment, and Virgil swallowed, nervous, sure Logan would snap at him, tell him he was being uselessly anxious and-

“Alright.” He said, and then added a few days to spend with Thomas’s friends, making sure to add an alternative thing to do just in case they weren’t available at Virgil’s insistence.

In the end Logan turned to him- not smiling, but projecting the feeling _somehow_ , with his bright eyes- as he smoothed out the paper. “This is one of the best schedules since… seven years. I believe it would be good for Thomas and his productivity if you join me more often.”

Virgil eyes widened, surprise making him freeze. “I- I. What, um.” He blinked. “Really?”

Logan looked away, shuffling his papers. He fiddled with his tie. Nervous.

“Indeed. Your input has been most helpful.”

Virgil swallowed. He didn’t really believe Logan, but he felt incredibly happy to have helped, even if it wasn’t as helpful as Logan was pretending.

“I hope you will continue? Helping me with Thomas’s schedule.”

“Yes, yep, sure. Yep.” Virgil nodded, fast, maybe too fast, but this was exactly the kind of thing that would help Thomas be less in danger of failure. This way Virgil could keep an eye on Thomas and have direct influence, which would probably even help with Virgil himself. It would certainly calm him down somewhat as he already felt less uncomfortable and worried about the next week when he knew what was going to happen.

Logan shot him a small pleased smile and started gathering everything up. 

*

**Before**

Virgil was Anxiety. Thomas’s anxiety. He was Thomas’s vigilance and his caution. He was fight-or-flight-or-freeze-or-fawn.

He had been fight for a while now, stuck on it, because no one listened, and so he had to _make_ them, because otherwise who knew what Thomas would do. Or what could happen to Thomas. Virgil had to make sure nothing happened to him.

He wasn’t trying to be the bad guy, or the villain or- or anything bad, but he couldn’t help it if Creativity’s ideas were too imaginary, too unrealistic, too pricey, too dumb. He had to point these things out. He had to say something about the inconsistencies or the things they were simply unable to do.

He couldn’t help if Morality was… overzealous. Not really- or not at all- thinking about some stuff. He seemed to be as impulsive as the Prince, even more so. Virgil had noticed how Morality also seemed to encompass Thomas’s emotions, which made Virgil a bit wary, being an emotional side himself, he knew how sometimes things would get too much and turn unpredictable, and uncontrollable.

Logic seemed to… well, Logic, with his sure, calm voice talking about facts and reason made Virgil feel grounded in reality. But even Logic’s explanations didn’t help all the time, didn’t calm Virgil’s panic down, and as Virgil envisioned how everything could go wrong, as scenarios ran through his mind, fast and gory and horrible, he turned even more panicked, which caused…

Well.

Creativity seemed to find him a horrible fiend, a danger and a villain, someone to destroy, because he caused Thomas to sometimes read his lines to the point of tears.

Morality tried to stay away, but he still grimaced whenever Virgil popped up. His tried to smile, but Virgil could tell there was a strain behind it, and sometimes he could see the flashes of anger and frustration. They were coming less and less as they grew, and the Moral side didn’t really show them much, but Thomas didn’t have the same reservations.

Logic hated him when he turned panicked. When his logical explanations failed to compel _Anxiety_ into feeling better, he lashed out, anger making his tongue sharp.

Virgil learned during these time that _flight_ , was a better idea, because Logic’s words hurt more almost anything.

So Virgil hid when he panicked, because their reactions- their reactions _hurt_ , and Virgil couldn’t handle it. He saw it, the potential to get hurt coming so his anxiety worked up, telling him to _run run_ , because he couldn’t be hurt, he _couldn’t_.

If the Prince’s disdain tore into him, and Logic’s words turned him into a crying mess, and Morality’s anger cut his soul- Thomas’s frustration was all of them combined and ten times worse.

He hated hurting Thomas, but Thomas wouldn’t listen to him, didn’t understand that Virgil was trying his best to protect Thomas from everything that could cause him harm.

He was trying to protect Thomas, and they all hated him for it.

He didn’t mind.

Well. He did mind, he minded a lot, it hurt him so much, but it couldn’t be helped.

He tried to push it aside, because no matter how he felt, no matter how they felt, he had a job and he would do it, because if he didn’t then Thomas would be _hurt_ , and that couldn’t happen. So maybe he had to do a bit of hurting, but there was really no other way. If he could do it in any other way, he would. He would do it, but he had learned early on that trying to be anything but harsh and loud and _fight_ , didn’t work. No one listened.

When anxiety had been added to his functions- throughout a few years- he had tried to warn Thomas of everything that could happen for every decision, but he wouldn’t listen and- and he had realized throughout the years that some things had to be done, that sometimes there were no options that meant peace of mind and perfection, because as he grew up he learned and saw so many new things. He saw how the black and white view of the world and of their options wouldn’t work- not really, so he tried to change his way but still they didn’t listen, didn’t seem to care about _keeping Thomas alive._ So. He changed his way. Instead of sneaking around and influencing silently he popped up, and stayed around, and whispered and talked and shouted and they finally listened- even if it was with harsh words and frowns and annoyance and anger.

At least Thomas would be alive.

-

The first time Virgil had popped up and saw Thomas, he just melted. There was no other word.

The warmth and love and care he felt for Thomas was beyond _everything_. The need to keep him safe, to make sure he was doing something that made him happy, that he didn’t regret, that didn’t hurt him, that was good and perfect for Thomas, encompassing him and- and he had to press his hand to his mouth for a few moments to stop himself from _actually_ crying.

Virgil tried to be reasonable and to just talk at first, but Thomas seemed content on ignoring his advice, which made him frustrated and desperate.

He hated what he did, hated _how_ he did it, but he didn’t think there was any other way to do it.

If he cried about it when he was alone, guilt and sorrow and hate clogging his lungs, breathing hard and eyes flooded- no one needed to know.

**After**

Virgil was not expecting any change, not really.

Well, he was expecting _some_ change, but nothing dramatic, nothing too big, too different.

He was out of _fight_ lately (two weeks since they came and got him), not exactly in _flight_ mood, but he was mostly leaning towards it, waiting for any sign to run.

Sure, Roman’s nicknames were told in a fond tone, and Patton seemed to insist he join them for every meal, and weekly movie nights. He begged of some of the meals, days when he panicked about their intentions and their motivations and days he forgot they were trying to include him and be _nice_. Logan had done as promised, asking his input for schedules, and plans, and making sure to keep him in loop for anything that popped up.

But he… honestly, he was waiting for it to stop. For their kindness to slowly fade back to- not anger maybe, but neutrality. 

He was waiting for it to turn back to how it was, maybe a little better, and with less hatred, because he didn’t think they could keep on like this for much longer.

He idly wondered if he should sit them down and tell them he didn’t plan on ducking out again- because he had seen what it did to Thomas, and he had only wanted to help- he had believed that he was- but now that he knew without his presence, Thomas would definitely be hurt, he was never _ever_ going to leave- but he guiltily shied away from the thought, because while he knew they would stop being so cautious as time passed, he wanted to enjoy it as much as it lasted.

He hated himself, for using their worry to enjoy having people care about him and his words, but he ignored all the thoughts and boxed them up, pretending they didn’t exist.

It was a nice calm day. He was sitting on the sofa, staring at the black screen of his phone. Princey was all sorts of energized and had all sorts of ideas- he was with Thomas talking about them- and Patton was lying in the Commons, on a blanket and a maybe a dozen pillows, dozing and smiling and happy. Logan sat on the couch, book in hand, reading slowly, sipping tea once in a while.

Virgil hated that he was going to ruin it.

He had tried to stop, had tried to not feel nervous as Roman spouted ideas and thoughts and thought about _singing_ , and adding a few stuff here and there to the channel, but he couldn’t help it.

He was thinking about what they would do, and how it would work, and what was a bad idea, and what the fans would hate, and what could go wrong.

He tried to keep it in, tried to swallow it down, and he felt the panic attack building up in him, felt as his thoughts spiraled out of worry and into terror, so he got up, planning on going to his room, do as he always did in these times. Have a panic attack, try to breath, cry a lot, nap.

He was used to not saying anything about his worries, which wasn’t good, it just made it worse, and he couldn’t let Thomas feel all of it. He couldn’t swallow it all down, Thomas still felt jittery, but the rest- well, the rest he just… he just let it wash over him.

“Virgil?”

Virgil flinched, and turned around, not really wanting to face Logan, but also not wanting to be rude and leave without answering.

“Hmm?”

Logan raised an eyebrow. Adjusted his glasses. “Are you alright?”

Virgil clenched his fists. “Peachy. I just- need to go.”

Logan frowned, mouth twisting, and Virgil used the momentary silence to sink out and go to his room.

He locked his door, hands shaking, and then his started body shaking and he slid to the floor, hands over his knees, trying to just breath.

He whispered the numbers, and cried as the thoughts became loud and urgent and too much _too much_ too much

What if Thomas sang, and he was horrible at it? No one would like it, and he would lose his fans. His job depended on his fans. He couldn’t do anything that would upset them.

And adding singing to the sander sides? How horrible it would be. Virgil would sing and he’d be horrible and then they would lose everything and then Virgil would be to blame and they would hate him and Thomas would be so disappointed and sad-

And- and what if they- what if they said something in the new video that offended someone? What if the next video was unoriginal and lame and boring and no one liked it?

Take a breath, one, two, three, four.

Hold, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Let it out, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

It took him a while, thoughts running through his head, no direct link, but about everything that could go wrong. How the other Sides could decide they had had enough, how they looked like when they were angry at him, and he sobbed and shook, and whispered and choked and couldn’t breathe, but he tried and finally he was calm enough to crawl into his bed and fall into a horrible half-asleep and an utterly unrestful nap.

-

When he went back down, it was after dinner, and he was thirsty and hungry.

Roman was back, and the three were in the Commons. Logan and Patton were listening to Roman, and Logan had a notebook out, making notes and asking questions.

Virgil made his way to the kitchen, glad no one noticed his presence.

He didn’t think he would understand anything anyone tried to say right now.

He drank two glasses of water, and found a plate of pasta which he scarfed down cold, because the hunger that made itself known was not going to wait.

Finally, another glass of water drunk, he felt… not dead, so he made his way out.

He had planned on going back to his room, even though the thought of being alone wasn’t pleasant, when Roman called out.

“Hey, Hot Topic, come over here. Listen to my brilliant idea.”

Virgil bit his tongue. He usually had a remark for these times, but if he said anything at the moment he would probably talk about his panicked thoughts and feelings and definitely cry, and they didn’t want that. So he shuffled towards the sofa, silent and head down.

He looked up, glancing to see Roman’s confused face, along with Logan’s questioning and Patton’s concerned one, but he didn’t think he could reassure them right now.

They didn’t mention his uncharacteristic acquiescence and Roman started telling his idea.

Apparently Virgil still had enough in him to feel a tingling hint of worry.

Roman cleared his throat, cutting himself of. He looked at Virgil, concern in every inch of his face, so different from before. “Thomas was surprisingly… not anxious. Well, not much, he was a bit apprehensive but…” he didn’t finish, just looked at Virgil.

Virgil shifted, hunching a bit. “Sorry.”

Roman winced. “No, I didn’t say so you’d feel apologetic. It was simply an observation. Thomas is usually much more… uneasy about new content. I was expecting you to join us, in all honesty.”

And now Virgil was confused. He was expecting Virgil? And he looked… disappointed that Virgil hadn’t shown up- or no, Virgil was probably seeing what he wanted to see, there was no way _Roman_ would be sad that _Anxiety_ hadn’t shown up.

Maybe he was happy, and he was talking about the change as a good thing. Maybe his tone was only like this as to not hurt Virgil. Or maybe it was a prompting for Virgil to explain. Maybe he was pretending to be upset, but secretly waiting for Virgil to say this was more permanent and then he’d support his decision. Maybe-

“Virgil, breathe.”

Virgil tried looking up at Logan.

“Good, now try to match my breathing.” Logan breathed, slowly, exaggerated breaths and Virgil followed. He hadn’t really started panicking, so it was easy to bring himself back.

He slumped into his seat. “Sorry.”

“Oh, kiddo! Don’t be sorry.”

“There is nothing to apologize for.”

Roman looked worried. “Virge, sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Virgil winced, and even though he wanted to go to bed and bury himself for the years to come and just sleep, he couldn’t let Roman feel guilty. “You didn’t say anything. I was just- I just spiraled a bit.”

Roman frowned. “I don’t understand. My words-”

Virgil shook his head. “No, I was just- I just didn’t,” he sighed, closing his eyes. How to explain?

“Look, I just, earlier I didn’t know you knew I was going to be worried, and I didn’t want to ruin anything.” He looked at his knees. “So I- the anxiety, when I don’t talk about it, when it isn’t addressed, then it sort of… multiplies? And I didn’t want Thomas to get the brunt of my mistakes, so I just, took it in? I guess? I was just sort of ready to have another panic attack, it wasn’t anything you said.”

They were all silent, and half of him wanted to look up, see their faces, the other half was insistent on keeping his head down and waiting for whatever they thought was best.

Everything in him wanted to flee.

“Another panic attack?” Patton asked, of course sticking to that part. Virgil looked up, his heart clenching at the shiny sheen on his eyes.

He shrugged, wanting to say anything to erase that look. “It- yeah, but it wasn’t a big deal, Pat. I know how to deal with them,”

Patton did not look relieved. If anything he got worse, tears falling, eyes wide, everything about him screaming upset.

Logan cleared his throat. “Pouring your anxiety back in instead of talking it out isn’t healthy, Virgil. It could harmful for your mental health.”

Virgil shrugged, feeling a bit called out and somewhat guilty. And rather angry at himself for feeling like that. “Yeah, well, been doing it for a while now, sort of hard to stop a habit.”

The air seemed to get colder, the tension thick, and Virgil’s anger left him, regretting his words as he looked at their guilty faces. “Sorry, didn’t mean that. I’ll… start talking, I guess, if you think it’s best?”

Logan swallowed, and nodded, smoothing his tie. “Yes. It would be best if you came to us or Thomas with your worries, so we can work on them, as we did with the scheduling.”

And Virgil did want to talk- it had been all he had wanted for so long, but now that they were telling him he could, he just couldn’t believe it. It seemed too good to be true. Along with the knowledge that this wouldn’t be long lasting, just, stopped him from actually planning on trying to talk.

He could daydream about it, think about it, but in the end he wasn’t going to do it- to have a taste of being seen and heard and then to have to give it up seemed so much crueler and so much colder and so much worse than anything he could think of right now.

So he nodded, and swallowed down the bile threatening to give away his lie.

-

He tried to stop it.

He really _really_ did.

They were all talking with Thomas.

Logan was sitting on the couch, notebook in his lap. Patton was next to Thomas on the sofa, patting Thomas’s shoulder from time to time and Roman was pacing, hands waving around as he explained his idea.

Virgil was sitting on the stairs, the thought of being too close to them threatening to drown him in _want_ and despair.

Roman was going on about the singing, and Patton seemed to agree, saying singing about his emotions, the sad ones, could help him realize them and move on easier.

Logan had the statistics and data, how the fans enjoyed their little clips of singing random lyrics about random names, which even Virgil had grown to enjoy eventually, after a few months of steady likes and no negative comments.

But a whole video, singing, a whole, long video-

Everything that could go wrong was whirling through his head, and he clutched the railing, tried to remember where he was, and what was going on.

He tried to ignore them, because he knew the others wouldn’t appreciate his input- knew Thomas would be upset, and before- before he could handle it, but now, now that they knew his name, and seemed to tolerate him…

He couldn’t handle having the same anger from before directed at him now.

He curled on himself, tried to breath and not say anything, and not panic until leaving wouldn’t be noticed much.

“Hey, Virge?”

Virgil shrank back, raising his head.

The others were staring, and Thomas was sitting on the floor, down the two stairs, waiting. He smiled when their eyes connected. “Hey, buddy. You alright there?”

Virgil tightened his hand on the railing. “Yep.”

Thomas pursed his lips, but then went back to that patient, everything-is-fine-talk-to-me-I-am-safe smile that made Virgil’s heart feel full of everything.

“Come on, tell me what’s wrong. We did promise to listen to your worries and try to work on them together.”

Virgil swallowed, his hand loosening a bit. Denying Thomas was like taking a knife and plunging it into his chest.

“I just- well, see the idea is… it’s great, don’t worry about me, just, stupid stuff. No worries.”

Ah. Plunging knife, it was, as Thomas tapped his fingers on his thighs and looked concerned instead of relieved.

“It’s not stupid if it worries you, Virgil. Come on, tell me. I know you’re feeling anxious. I’m a bit anxious.”

Virgil’s eyes widened, a distressed noise ripping itself out of him without thought. “You are? You shouldn’t! I’m trying to stop, I promise, I can’t, I am trying, I really am, I swear, please- I-” Virgil gasped, tears in his eyes. He was trying, he was, dammit, but he was failing, like he failed in everything, he was so awful. “Sorry, I- I’m sorry.” He tried to continue but his lungs were failing him.

“Hey, hey, buddy, no,” Thomas scrambled forward, kneeling on the stair below him, close but not touching. “No need to be sorry, here, breath with me. Come on, in for four.”

They continued the exercise and Virgil could finally breath. He let out a stuttering breath, too tired to stop himself from desperately clasping Thomas’s wrist. Thomas seemed to not mind, as his hand covered his, running over his knuckles. “There you go. You’re okay.”

Virgil closed his eyes, ashamed of how quickly he had fallen apart. He couldn’t even do something as simple as not start sobbing out of nowhere, but he was just a weak-

Thomas’s hand squeezed his lightly, and his thoughts just… floated away, his entire being focused on Thomas’s hand on his.

“You better now?”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

Thomas shook his head, hand squeezing again. “Nothing to be sorry for, Virge.”

There was a small pause, Virgil counting his breaths, trying to keep them even and steady.

“Virgil?”

Virgil looked up, Logan’s worried frame standing behind Thomas, concern in every part of his face.

Patton was sitting behind him, cheeks wet, but not currently crying.

Roman sat next to Patton, letting his hold his hand a bit too tightly from the looks of it.

“Yeah?”

Logan cleared his throat. “I thought you. That is, I was wondering if.” He frowned, looking away. “Do you want to talk about what caused your panic?”

Virgil hunched his shoulders, lightly pulling his hand away, which Thomas dropped with another squeeze.

He missed the warmth, but his hand had already started shaking, and he preferred to keep those hidden in his pockets.

“Just- nothing.”

Logan frowned, and Virgil tried to hide his flinch. “Falsehood. Nothing, as you say, would not cause this much panic.”

Virgil growled, frustrated. “Yeah, well, fine. But it was stupid, and not something we need to discuss.”

Patton leaned forward, eyes wide and earnest. “We should though, Virge. Talking about it would help you, and we could help make it easier by compromising and listening.”

He looked so hopeful, and they all looked ready to listen, like his panic wasn’t useless and unreasonable and worthless.

Virgil shrugged. “I just, I’m worried about the video.” He did not look at any of them. “The song one. I- so much could- it could go wrong. Thomas could… he could be awful. And then the fans would hate it, and then Thomas would feel bad and never sing again! And then we would lose our fan base, our job, our home, everything. Just because- Thomas. I-” he huddled into himself. “It’s nothing, stupid _stupid_ , I tried to stop it getting to you, but I can’t, so useless, I am so sorry.” His face crumbled, and he hid his head in his arms, which were on his knees. “So fucking _sorry_.”

“Hey, stop that, Virgil! You aren’t being stupid. And you aren’t useless. You have worries, and they’re valid.”

Virgil shook his head. He couldn’t help but feel amused at Thomas’s naïveté.

“Virgil. Look at me.”

Virgil peeked up, only because he was too worried at what would happen if he didn’t do what they asked. Logan slowly made his way towards him, sitting next to him on the stair.

Patton was crying silently and Virgil couldn’t handle the flash of pain going through him at the sight. He was thankful Princey was there to comfort Pat, and looked away.

“Virgil, your worries help us see if we are doing anything wrong. They help.” Logan waited until he met his eyes once, and then continued. “Thomas won’t lose his fans even if his singing is bad. They enjoy his other content a lot. And Thomas will of course practice so his voice is ready and well enough for singing. Roman will come up with the lines, and you can help, pointing out the more ones that don’t seem to be right.”

Virgil glanced at Roman. He didn’t look angry. He looked back at Logan. “But, I don’t. I can’t. Roman doesn’t want me to ruin his work.”

Virgil could see Roman cringe from the corner of his eye. “That- I’m sorry I ever said so before, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance. I didn’t realize how wrong I was. Your input is much appreciated and welcome.”

Virgil stared, eyes wide. He blinked. Once. Twice. “I- what?”

Roman rubbed the back of his neck. “I apologize for making you feel like a bad influence.”

Virgil was still blinking. “I- that’s fine. It’s okay. Thanks, um. Thanks for the. The apology.”

Roman nodded, but didn’t seem to look any less guilty.

“Oh, kiddo.” Patton choked out. “I am so sorry you ever felt like you ruined things. We were so awful, and- and- and I’m so sorry.” He wailed the sorry, sobbing into his hands.

Virgil scrambled up, avoided hitting Logan or Thomas in his haste, and kneeled in front of Patton. He hesitated in putting his hands on his shoulders. “Hey, Pat, no. Don’t cry! You guys didn’t do anything wrong. You guys are wonderful.” Patton just cried harder. Virgil hesitantly put his finger on the Moral Side’s shoulder. He leaned in, so Virgil felt more confident in grabbing his shoulders more properly. “Hey, Pat, look at me.”

Patton shook his head, but moved his hands, looking up at Virgil. “It’s _okay_. You guys were… you guys did what you had to do to protect Thomas. I get that. You don’t need to feel bad for it. It’s fine. Trust me, I don’t blame you guys. At all. I wasn’t the most pleasant person, really.” Patton looked down, shaking his head.

Virgil sighed, and curled his arms around Patton’s shoulder, who immediately fell into him, clutching him tight and sobbing into his chest.

Virgil rubbed his back, letting him cry.

*

**Before**

“Thomas, you can’t stop now!”

Thomas groaned, rubbing his eyes. “I’ve read the lesson before. I’ll be fine.”

Virgil resisted stomping his foot. “But, Thomas. You should read it again so it’s on your mind when you take the exam.”

Thomas sighed, fell on his bed. “I know everything about the lesson. I got an A on the last exam.”

Virgil huffed. “The last exam was a month ago. You don’t remember what you studied. Read it once.”

Thomas shrugged. “It’s too late.”

Virgil’s eye twitched. “It’s ten. You aren’t going to sleep. You’ll stay awake for two more hours in the least, which is a bad idea, you should sleep early so you won’t fall asleep and fail your exam and then never get into a good college and university. Then you won’t find a job, and you won’t have friends and-” before Virgil could continue his spiral Thomas cut in.

“So I should sleep now, right?”

Virgil groaned. “No, reread the lesson and then sleep.”

Logic rose up, hands behind his back. “Anxiety, Thomas has studied the subject before, he knows everything there is to know.”

Virgil gaped. “I thought _you_ ’d realize how he should read it so it’s on his mind when he goes to class! The grade is _important_!”

Logic fixed his glasses, glanced at Thomas. “That is true.” He hmm-ed. “Yes, Thomas perhaps you should study it once more.”

Virgil sighed, relieved.

Until Morality and Creativity rose up as well. “Now now, kiddos. Thomas has studied the lesson before, he doesn’t need to tire himself out! Everything will be fine.”

Creativity nodded, regal and annoying. “Indeed. There is no need to worry. Thomas shall do wonderfully and then he will go off to the best universities there is, and find true love in the classrooms.”

Virgil shook slightly. “Which won’t happen if he fails, which will happen if he doesn’t study!”

Logic took of his glasses, and wiped them with his tie. “Although he does not have the optimal energy to understand anything he studies at the moment. Thomas, sleep now, wake up early in the morning and study the lesson.”

Thomas groaned, turning to bury his face in the pillow.

“He won’t wake up in the morning. And then he’ll be late, and then he’ll fail and then he’ll be jobless and friendless and _dead_ -”

“That is enough, Anxiety.” Logic said, words colder than usual. “Thomas will be fine. No need to worry unnecessarily.”

Virgil stepped back, the harsh words like a blow. Then anger flowed through him. How dare he- how dare he pretend to know what’s unnecessary or not? He was just trying to tell them why Thomas should study- but _they wouldn’t listen_.

Fine. He’d _make_ them listen.

**After**

By the time Patton calmed down, Logan and Roman had scoured the kitchen and the coffee table was filled with crackers and sweets and water.

The three were on the sofa, talking quietly, Thomas growing distressed and Logan and Roman turning gloomy and tense.

Patton didn’t want to let Virgil go, so Virgil coaxed him into at least walking to the couch with him where Pat promptly made himself at home on Virgil’s lap, and Virgil knew he was all sorts of red.

Patton’s warmth just- just Patton made him feel so happy, made him feel like his heart was growing.

He handed Patton a glass of water, drinking two himself under Logan’s expectant gaze.

Before, the only one who hadn’t actually shouted at him was Patton. He had been… kind, and awkward and frustrated and even angry sometimes, but he hadn’t ever raised his voice. The worst tone he had taken was a tense I’m-barely-holding-onto-my-control ‘Just get out, Anxiety’ after he had insulted Roman and his ideas harsher than he had before. 

So between them, Virgil felt safest with Patton, especially since he had started warming up to Virgil even before they came to fetch him after he ducked out. Patton had been starting to see him, and listen to him even before that- and he had seemed excited to see him whenever he showed up.

Thomas was the first to break the silence. “Virgil, we owe you so many apologies.”

Virgil balked. “Nope. Not doing this. I went about it in a bad way. I thought you wouldn’t listen if I wasn’t mean about it. And I was mean about it. You can’t say I wasn’t.”

Patton curled tighter around him.

Logan looked uncomfortable. “Indeed. We can’t say you weren’t harsh. But you also cannot say we would have listened to you had you not been as you were.”

Virgil looked away.

Logan was right, he really couldn’t say it, unless he wanted to lie. And he hated lying, hated it, so he kept silent.

Patton whimpered. “I’m sorry.”

Virgil patter his back. “It’s fine. If you’re apologizing for whatever, then listen. I forgive you. It’s fine. Just- just.” He swallowed, pushed Patton slightly, who thankfully got up without much fuss and sat on the coffee table by the snacks. “Just don’t do it again.”

They all nodded.

“Of course, Virgil. We will endeavor to change our behavior and make sure you feel heard and know that we care for you.”

Virgil blinked, biting his lip. He, he actually sort of maybe believed Logan.

He quirked his lips. “I’ll try to be less of an ass and actually talk to you guys.”

*

**Before**

Virgil, stopped on the step when the Commons came into view. He stopped walking, stopped breathing, stopped everything as he looked.

They were on the ground, Roman leaning against the couch, and Patton cuddling him.

Logan was on the couch, leg touching Roman’s arm. He had a book in hand, which was undoubtedly for pretense, because his head was on his fist, and he was sometimes watching the screen, sometimes glancing at the other two.

They were watching Finding Nemo.

Virgil turned around and went back to his room.

Maybe it was time to duck out. The three looked so _happy_ , out there with each other. He made them unhappy, frustrated and angry.

He ruined everything for Thomas. Made it hard for him to do anything. He caused pain and unhappiness that maybe wasn’t all that essential.

There was no reason for Anxiety to exist.

Not really. The others had said so a lot- well, besides Pat, who didn’t seem to hate him- and Thomas… Thomas would be better off without someone creating needless and pointless worries.

He sat on his bed, elbows on his knees, head in hands.

He cried silently, tears dripping out of his eyes.

He wasn’t panicking- not really, but he was so so _sad_. It hurt so much. He loved them, the other sides. He loved _Thomas_. He didn’t want to leave them, he didn’t want to _leave them_ , but he- this was for the best. It was what was needed.

It was what Thomas needed.

And everyone would be happier about it. 

**After**

Virgil was incredibly nervous about joining Movie Night. Roman was lying on his stomach, and Patton was sitting next to him, legs crossed, bouncing on his spot.

He grinned at Virgil, giving a merry wave when he noticed him.

Virgil raised a brow, waving two fingers uncertainly. He sat on the couch.

If he moved his leg a bit, he would be touching Roman.

He curled his legs under him.

The TV was paused in the beginning of Tangled.

Logan exited the kitchen, two bowls of popcorn in hand. He placed one in front of Patton and Roman, a hand going through Patton’s hair.

Then he came to sit on the couch.

He sat so close.

Virgil tensed.

He could feel Logan’s body heat.

He swallowed.

Logan turned to face him, head tilted in question. His ears were red.

Virgil relaxed, took a handful on popcorn.

And if a few movies in, they were all in a group cuddle, Virgil blushing brightly, and feeling so loved.

Well.

That was their famILY.

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clear something up, this was all Virgil's point of view, and the other's have their own thoughts and ideas of what was going on. 
> 
> I wasn't trying to make the others into harsh and angry people, I hope it didn't come across that way. 
> 
> With my own anxiety, I used to turn the most harmless things into the horrible words.  
> Even when I realized I did that, it was hard to realize that sometimes, things weren't as bad as I thought them to be. 
> 
> This was completely in Virgil's head. It was his thoughts, and memories and feelings. 
> 
> Of course I'm not saying what he felt wasn't valid- it was and is. 
> 
> The whole point of this was to make sure I cleared up that the others aren't horrible... 
> 
> I may write something from their pov just to clear it up if I find the motivation.  
> -  
> (also not trying to make light of Virgil's experience, it was bad, and he needs therapy, but I don't think I'm going to get into that)  
> -  
> I have decided to unashamedly beg for comments (if u want to leave them) because they make me so happy and I love them.


End file.
